They got me right where they want me.  ALL these emails are related to my litigation.

I got serious brain strain and haven’t had time to eat well.  No time to harvest, no time to prepare real food.  Been eating way too much chocolate, whipped cream, processed foods …

Had to ARGUE with the Kingman superior court employees because they rejected the EMERGENCY Motion I filed last night, trying to finally get Elliot out of the desert. It’s unreal, I never heard of a court clerk refusing to file a document. It’s up to the JUDGE to strike motions. Which they eventually agreed with.

The attorneys have been taking turns destroying my brain, inflicting as much stress as possible — trying to get me killed or to at least induce severe memory failure so I can’t respond to their motions anymore.  They’re getting close.

Several times my working memory failed even while working under self-imposed deadlines.  I wanted to file the Motion to get Elliot picked up on Thursday.  There was no way, barely got done on Sunday night.  I had trouble understanding law and instructions, couldn’t remember where I was reading useful info a few minutes ago (literally 60+ tabs in several browser windows), the number I assigned just 30 seconds ago to an exhibit … organizing is the worst.

Today Leslie McLean, the attorney for North Country, falsely claimed that I agreed to settle and caused another memory failure

It took me forever to figure out what she was saying because I never agreed to settle.  She’s been wanting to talk on the phone to discuss the details of our settlement. WTF???  Damn liars.  I had agreed to settle after a successful TRIAL with North Country finally providing medical care to me as my primary.  She wanted me to settle before receiving anything and without any specifics whatsoever.

At least I can prove that I did not agree to settle because we communicated in writing.  Searching for our emails caused another memory outage.   I think she deliberately didn’t reply to my emails with many never answered questions about the care I would be receiving and she started new email chains to create chaos.  How many much less sophisticated people has she tricked?  I should file a Bar complaint.

My arm hurt several times recently and I had to quit working on legal stuff early at night or work in the garden for a few hours.

I’m so worried and had strange dreams. 

My former partner walked into the room and just took stuff.  I wasn’t dead in my dream, but it reminded me that he was still my beneficiary.  He moved out in 2016, but I  don’t have anyone else who might want my beautiful oasis in the desert and would at least water the orchard trees.  So I finally updated my Living Trust today, have to get it notarized tomorrow, and then I can feel slightly better about croaking.

Except that there’s my dog Andy.

13 years old, mostly blind and deaf and when I took him to the vet a few months ago he was so terrified, he wouldn’t stop shaking.

I saw him RUN today in the driveway, unusual.  He was feeling good, so happy, and wanted to haul water. Lives to ride in the truck.

I try not to move stuff in his way, but there’s so much STUFF and it’s 2 acres.   He’s been limping a few times recently.   Fell in the hole where my road used to be before the flashfloods got it a few weeks ago.

Andy is generally quite good at getting around and STILL chases coyotes!   He smelled a big coyote and chased him away from the compost like a rocket, but the coyote ran to the right and he “chased” him heading left.  So funny!

So I added to the Trust instructions to contact HALT if Andy outlives me.  

After I hit the bull in June I filled out their form at — maybe their response got spammed.  I haven’t had a chance to follow up with HALT again.

I have NO idea why the server spam filter all of a sudden spammed the attorneys’ emails, the stress!

My amended Trust refers to all sorts of info like asset listings, account info (login and password recovery) and all the recurring subscriptions that need to be canceled, specific instructions for my off-grid & water haul home — nothing exists yet, countless hours of work and I just don’t have time.

My nephew and nieces live in Germany. 

I’ll have to find a local for them to hire, to at least try to keep my place from self-destructing before they can sell it.  I don’t know anyone who could run my place.  Most people here are old and weak, physically and mentally.  And the young people are mostly tweakers, thieves, and their friends.   I’ve seen so many homes completely gutted after the owners died.

Someone will have to clear out my fridge/freezer and then the power can be shut off.   My solar system is running on fumes.  Got a new 24 v system over a year ago, but haven’t had the time to install it.  My elastomeric roof needs several coats before new panels.   And I need new batteries.

If I don’t run the generator at night and even during the day on cloudy days, the water pump and fridge will fry from low voltage.  I’ve already put out a couple of fires and am always so worried when I’m gone all day.

Many years ago I used to turn all power off when I went to town while nobody was here and every night.

I should probably do that again.  Since I got panels and new batteries in 2017 and I almost always hosted volunteers, I started to leave the power on.

As I’m writing here, I realize that I really need to turn the power off at night.  If I don’t wake up in the morning, the power should be OFF since it’ll take so long until my body will be found and everything in the fridge will rot, and motors such as in the fridge will fry when the voltage is low.  Presumably, the water pump wouldn’t run with nobody using water.

Whoever finds me should know to check the status of the power before running anything.

A friend in her 80s has a printout taped to her front door:


Her husband died several years ago the way we should all die.   I think he was in his late 80s, she took good care of him, and was the original organizer of the organic food co-op.  When they couldn’t drive anymore, I took over the monthly trip to get the Azure order from Kingman.  We’ll all die one day, but we should be able to live in our homes until it’s time to go.  He did not have to suffer long.

So anyway, I’ll have to prepare a page with emergency instructions.  It’ll have to be somewhere so that the first person to show up has at least an idea of what to do, to FB my relatives in Germany, and where to find my Trust.  Obviously, I can’t tape that to the outside of my door.  Maybe to the inside?

In winter I have to worry about the water system freezing up.   Nothing I can do about that.  Hope to die when it’s not too cold.

I suppose the food in the fridge will be ok when I turn it off for 8 hrs at night since nobody would open the fridge.  But if I don’t wake up, it’ll rot fast.

You can’t imagine the stench after lightning hit a couple weeks ago and the vacation rental I manage had no power for maybe a week and I didn’t know it.  The last guests had left Wal-Mart meat in the freezer and I was going to give it to locals who eat that “food.”   The house stank when I walked in and I wondered what kind of trash I could have forgotten in the house until I opened the freezer.  A brand new fridge, and while it’s much better now, the freezer still smells a little.

Speaking of food, I’ll have to find someone to take all my food.  I got SO MUCH food.  Quite a few cans, but so much bulk food, beans, rice, flower …  I divided 25 lb bags into about 5 lb bags (food saver) and they’ll last forever.

If I only got some advance warning. 

If I wake up dead tomorrow, Andy won’t be able to go outside.  And it will probably be a week or two until someone finds me.

Poor Andy 🙁

So many pets die around here because their dead owners aren’t found for a long time.   Even if the pets are alive, if they ate the owner, the pets are killed.

Years ago I tried to start a Wellness Check group.

I wasn’t worried about myself then but had a friend with pets in her 80s.  I just couldn’t do it.  Always running, so much to do, trying to make a few bucks, to survive.

I gave up on that project because while people were interested in joining the group, nobody was willing and/or able to participate in a meaningful manner.  Most of these old people aren’t on the internet.  And they forget.

It would have taken at least 20 hrs/week to ensure that everybody checked in once a day, call them if they didn’t and if they don’t answer, drive to their house to see whether they just forgot or are laying somewhere with a broken hip and can’t get to their phones.

How many people died after they fell and couldn’t get up?

I know many who got lucky and had their phone on them.  I have fallen so many times when I was stressed and walking fast.  I’ve been walking super slow like I’m 85.  Any broken bone or being away from my home for just a day or two could result in a catastrophic outcome.  So I try to walk very slowly.  Have literally fallen over 1″ rocks.

I’m still traumatized by the stench in Joanne’s home after she decomposed for weeks in 2016.  I was in her home months after the cleanup.  I saw the stain where the decomposing fluids had soaked into the subfloor.   She had many cats and they all died too.

Nobody else in Meadview cared.

I got kicked out of the local Facebook group after posting about Joanne, who had been abandoned by all her VFW friends when she got advanced dementia.  Narcissists and psychopaths.  It’s how they are here.

If I end up living a few more years and have to kill myself because I ran out of money while living in a vehicle out in the desert or wherever I’d like my body to just disappear.

8/16/22 update.   Reviewed and printed the amendment for my trust and called the post office.  Two notaries were there, one till 4 pm and the other till 5 pm. I was ready to leave around 3:15 pm when I received the court notice of denial of my motion to save Elliot.


… the Court encourages her to report the matter to the Mohave County Attorney-Civil Division, and to seek legal advice if she intends to file a separate action with this Court.

The psychopaths at the Mohave County Attorney’s Office already declined to assist last week.  So I went to their website, called and got a busy signal, and then submitted a message through their site.   Nobody got back to me.

And I hate nothing more than being told to get legal advice.  Not only would I have to kill myself afterward because I’d be broke, but I’d likely get incorrect advice.  Been there, done that.

Got to the post office to notarize my Trust Amendment and one person had left at 4 pm and the other had gone to get a haircut.

20 miles for nothing.

Not quite nothing.  I picked up the RETURNED mailing to Care 1st, my previous health insurer, during my Loony Bin time.   Just like my defendants, they’re doing all they can to withhold the billing records and require snail mailing my authorization.  I remember that she told me that the address on the form was incorrect, they had moved and I wrote down the new address.  But then I saw the giant notice of their 2020 move with a new address at their website and I mailed it there, was that the wrong address?  Yup.

I almost wish I hadn’t woken up today.

But there’s Andy. Got to be there for Andy as long as possible.

There’s no joy in my life anymore and it’ll only get worse. So much to do, and not getting ANYTHING done.

I don’t mind working all the time, but I have to get results.   Been spinning my wheels for over 2.5 years now.  Can’t get medical care for myself or anyone else, no matter how hard I try.

I’m so incredibly exhausted, tired, and depressed.

Was hauling water and met a new resident.  Nice guy.  He also saw Elliot on his way to Kingman, but hasn’t been in town in weeks.   So we talked for a while and he said that we have plenty of money to take care of everybody.  Definitely not a Qanon type.  And he gardens.  So that was uplifting.

We were standing in the sun and of course no A/C in the truck.  For weeks I’ve had a box with the oil and whatever stuff to finish the new compressor install, but had no time to find a place to do it.

I feel like on Monday a week ago when I was waiting for the Crisis Team at MM 15 on Stockton Hill.  Lightheaded, wondering whether I’ll puke.

My brain is failing, my memory, my will to live.

The scum-sucking bottom-feeding lying psychopath/sociopath narcissist corrupt lawyers got me exactly where they want me to be.